In the previous post, I explained the significance of our ego/shadow self, as well as the importance of embracing it. In this post, I’ll explain the specifics for that process.
Embracing the ego requires understanding how it works, why its attempts at solutions only create more problems, and how to meet its needs in an effective and constructive way. Here are the steps of that process:
Understand that our ego wants the same thing our soul wants: a sense of happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, self-worth, safety, security, etc.Our ego-directed choices are motivated by the desire for these things. We are repeatedly confused and frustrated that most of our outcomes bring the opposite of what we’re trying to find, create, or achieve. We can be very self-critical about what seems to be one bad decision after another, but it’s important to remember that we were doing the best we could to obtain what is normal and understandable to desire. Alternatively, we recognize that we want the same things as everyone does and don’t understand why we’re apparently experiencing a steady stream of disappointment, bad luck, and persecution. The cause is found in Step 2…
Understand that our ego’s pursuit of these things is motivated by a fear of not having them (i.e., a consciousness of lack), which leads to self-defeating choices.Due to the Law of Attraction, the state of mind (commonly referred to as “energy”) that motivates our actions brings experiences into our lives that will actually create the same energy and reinforce that state of mind. We’ve all seen this phenomenon play out in cases of self-fulfilling prophecy and target fascination.
Understand that our ego clings to defining its identity as separate from everything that isn’t us and perceives anything that threatens this separateness as a threat to our existence, which is why we perpetually experience our situations as life-or-death and the ego’s directions as necessary for survival. Awareness is key to avoiding mindless reactions that only create new problems and additional suffering.
The voice of our ego is so compelling because it has the biology and chemistry of our limbic system and flight-or-fight response on its side. This is why it tends to exaggerate and catastrophize, struggling to think beyond its immediate desires. Even when we recognize that what we’re feeling the impulse to do will only do damage in the long run, if we don’t have a solution for our present discomfort then the ego’s demands for short-term relief quickly become overwhelming. Trying to simply ignore them and the “this is necessary” signals from our limbic system is neither feasible nor effective. It also isn’t necessary: there is a straightforward solution that’s fairly simple as long as we maintain a state of awareness about what’s happening in our mind and what’s actually causing it (i.e., not a threat to our survival).
The solution: identify the ego’s actual need behind its apparent need and allow your higher self to provide it. This is the crucial step. Using awareness to avoid impulsive and destructive behavior is not a new idea and can definitely improve your life. However, mindful awareness and giving ourselves logical lectures about the long-term consequences of instant gratification will only get us so far. This is especially true when we shame ourselves about desires that are actually legitimate, such as the need for fun or socializing, and deny ourselves things we genuinely need until we’re so unhappy that the whole idea of self-control seems pointless no matter how often we’ve seen our short-term gratification create long-term suffering. Treating ourselves this way leads to an oscillation between extremes and a great deal of instability in ourselves and in our life. When we’re contending with emotions that cause suffering, telling ourselves, “that’s not a solution,” without providing an alternative will eventually lead us to respond to ourselves with, “well, it’s better than nothing and I can’t keep feeling this way.”
Then somehow, when we once again end up unhappy, we seem to forget that it was our decisions that brought us to this condition. The ego always focuses on what’s immediate, so it’s not great at following the line of cause and effect…especially since blaming others and engaging in victim mentality to avoid taking responsibility are some of its favorite ways to avoid distressing thoughts and feelings. Even when the same action has brought unhappy results repeatedly, the ego will simply ignore that common denominator in favor of blaming an external person or situation. It believes it is protecting us from feeling bad but this ignorance perpetuates our painful outcomes.
Instead of lectures and reminders, we need to realize that these feelings and urges are coming from our frightened ego and then give it the same caring attention in the same way that we would give a beloved child. This analogy is not to insult the ego. The limbic system is part of the most primitive portion of our brain, whereas the neocortex is the most evolved portion. As we grow up through developmental stages, decision-making moves from primarily limbic control to primarily neocortical control. Even so, we couldn’t live and wouldn’t have survived to this point without our limbic system. Neither end of the spectrum is better or worse than the other; the spectrum simply represents mental evolution and development for individuals and the species as a whole.
There is a similar maturation process that happens on the emotional level: the ego corresponds with the limbic system end of the spectrum and the higher self corresponds with the neocortex. Just as the maturing of our brain function leads to greater mental wisdom and clarity, maturing emotionally leads to greater wisdom and clarity for our heart and mind, and it’s our higher self that expresses this. For this reason, it only makes sense for our higher self to be taking care of our ego rather than allowing the ego to decide the best ways to protect us and find happiness.
When a child we care for cries for something they feel they need, we respond with compassion because we recognize that their distress and feeling of need are genuine, even though they lack the maturity to know what will effectively resolve their need. We use our wisdom to discern what is actually in that child’s best interest, which is not always what the child is demanding. If a child cries because we won’t allow them to play with something dangerous, we explain the truth about the object they perceive as “fun,” sympathize with their frustration, and provide the child with an appropriate toy that will satisfy their need for play. If a child is having a bad day and wants to binge on treats instead of eating dinner, we explain that doing so would give them a stomachache, so the short-term pleasure would actually make their bad day worse. We compassionately sympathize with their feelings, give them comfort, and offer options to cheer them up that aren’t harmful.
This is exactly how we should interact with our ego. First, we must recognize that the ego isn’t a reliable source of information. If one of our children cries about their life being over or the world ending because of something that happened at school, we don’t fly into a panic of preparation for the impending Armageddon. We should treat our ego’s cries of alarm in the same way: an assumption of hyperbole combined with compassionate attention. Second, we shouldn’t immediately act on our ego’s demands.
Nearly always, what the ego perceives will make us happy is merely a distraction from unhappiness. Those are definitely NOT the same. Sometimes we feel like the latter is the best we can hope for so we may as well settle, but I promise, that couldn’t be further from the truth. You will be amazed by what you experience when you shift to this approach.
There is always genuine need and fear behind our ego’s demands, and THAT is what we should validate and give our attention to. It’s important that we identify the specifics of both the need and the fear. Then we allow our higher self to determine what will actually meet the need and relieve the fear. In this way, our ego will become more satisfied than it ever was while in charge. For instance, if our ego feels lonely, it might decide a superficial relationship is better than nothing and pursue interactions that are only a short-lived distraction from loneliness and ultimately lead to unhealthy and painful situations. Our higher self can respond to that loneliness by expressing love and acceptance to our ego, as well as reminding our ego of the fundamental interconnectedness of all beings and asking Spirit to show us love. Spirit always responds to that request and will flood us with more warmth, acceptance, and unconditional love than we can contain. The experience will be far more comforting and satisfying for our ego than whatever instant gratification it wanted to chase in its desperation.
Every time our ego gets noisy, we look beyond the demands and provide what will truly satisfy its needs. It will always demand what it thinks will bring comfort, safety, and happiness. Our higher self does a better job identifying how to obtain those things; the more emotionally mature side of our self has more wisdom than the less mature side of our self. When we let our higher self drive, our ego receives actual comfort, safety, and happiness for the first time. We put an end to painful cycles of dissatisfaction, disappointment, and disillusionment. This is why the genuine solution to our suffering is always inside of us rather than outside. No one can do a better job giving our ego the love and care it has always deserved than our higher self.
This technique also happens to be the core of curing self-esteem and self-worth issues: nothing makes us feel as amazing about ourselves as when our ego is receiving constant, genuine unconditional love from our higher self. That is when we know our immense value with absolute certainty. When you remember who you are, you become able to meet your own needs far better than anyone outside of you could ever be capable of doing.
Finally, we need to strengthen the voice of our higher self so that it doesn’t disappear in the din of our ego. When we haven’t built a strong connection to our higher self, its quiet nudges are very difficult to perceive, especially during times of distress when the ego is loudest (and the longer the ego keeps the wheel, the fewer and farther between times without distress become). There will be other entries that explain the importance of strengthening that connection and how to do so.